Once again the season changes to spring, leaving the cold of winter behind as new life rises and breathes for the first time.  The tiny buds come from beneath the snow and reach for the sunshine. 

Last week, as I battled a second round of the cold/bronchitis, which returned with a vengeance Monday night, I found myself restless.  I thought a lot about things in my life that weren't working - or feeling right.  Foremost, I felt a void in what I hoped would last longer, perhaps the rest of my life.  The seasons change, once again and I found myself reaching for sunshine and wanting to put the cold behind me.  The winter was not all bad, I enjoyed the beatiful snow as it fell from the sky and how it sparkled in the sunlight. Perhaps who warmed my heart during the winter will return again in the summer or fall but for now, he needs to grow on his own.

This past winter, I almost fell in love with David, yet the past few weeks, it became apparent that something was wrong.  In the beginning, we spoke for hours about what we want out of a relationship and life.  I felt as if I'd found the man I always wanted.  An epiphany hit and I realized that what he said he wanted and what he was living were two different things. 

He wanted romance - both to give it and receive it but he didn't.  He wanted to give his heart - but it was not ready to give (which is what I sensed was wrong).  I was as more patient than I've ever been but my patience ran out when I realized that he was not ready for a relationship.  I'm setting him free and in doing so, I'm setting myself free.   

I know he came into my life for a reason and one day, that answer will be discovered.  My heart is not broken and I feel blessed that he was in my life.  I wish him well on his journey, but for now I'll flutter along on my own journey.  I'll continue to break through the soil of life... and reach for the sunlight.  This is a positive change and I feel good about it.

In the famous words of Ms. Vickie... Life is good.  Now if I can only set the bronchitis free, I'll be good.  ;-) 

Happy Easter! 

The past few months, I have struggled with finding energy to do all I want.  I know a large part of my lack of energy is due to my Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and other auto-immune diseases fatigue, however, I wonder if some of it has to do with not being in school and not having the drive to get more done.  I find that as difficult as it was to adjust to go to go school that it's just as difficult not to go to school. 

Before I had the auto-immune diseases, I did not have a clue about how exhausted one could be.  Back then, being tired was fixed by a 15 minute power nap or sitting down for a bit.  Pain was something I could take an Aleve and it would go away.  Ah, those were the days. 

Since I was diagnosed with RA eight years ago, my eyes were opened to the horror that people who suffer any of the auto-immune disease, such as MS, RA, Crohns, Lupus, UC, and the list goes on.  I never imagined the pain and fatigue I was going to face and it's a good thing I did not know then.  I no longer sympathized but emphasized with others who suffer the same ailments. 

Friday morning, I went to the physical therapy pool and worked out for two hours then had a nice sit in the hot tub.  If I have not mentioned this before, the pool is my Friday morning 'ME TIME" addiction.  I wish I could go every day or better yet, had a pool of my own.  As much as I love the pool, it's a bugger getting out, which I call "reality hitting."  I feel so good in the water, virtually no pain at all; it feels as if I don't have RA. 

As I was sitting in the hot tub, a new lady entered the pool and we said hello to one another.  We talked about why each of us was there and it turns out, we were there for the same reason.  She has RA and is in a lot of pain and is amazed at how wonderful the pool makes her feel.  We exchanged info about medications and other remedies since she's only had RA for a year or so and was grateful for all I told her.  She said that she's so afraid that she's going to be in pain forever and never get relief. 

I fear the same.  However, I am fortunate that Remicade, prednisone (EVIL drug), and Imuran are working well for me.  I'm on a high dose and as of Wednesday, a notch higher, which is one notch away from maximum dose.  In 2003, I was almost in a wheel chair and the medications made it possible for me to live a decent life and for that, I'm eternally grateful.  The medications I take also treat the ulcerative colitis and have given me that part of my life back.  I fear for the future; as well as I am doing now, what if the unthinkable happens?  What if the RA spreads to my organs?  What if I get more auto-immune diseases?  I try to stay focused on here and now but those questions are always in the back of my mind. 

When I was first diagnosed, I was angry at God for yet another hurdle I had to over come and I wanted to know why I was being punished.  I was angry at the world.  I was angry.  I put myself on a pity pot and stayed there until others helped me and that I began to see that having RA was not the end of my life.  I began to say, "There is NO way was I letting my life end at 32."  I struggled for a while longer, had ups and downs, but slowly, more positive thoughts entered my mind.  I learned to allow myself a pity pot day on occasion and get the negativity out because those feelings were hurting me bottled up and setting them free allowed the positive back in.

I believe everything happens for reasons and although I may not be thrilled with the reason I have auto-immune diseases, I am thrilled that I have an incredible support network.  Two main supports are my dear friends Vickie and Dawn and although I wish they did not have the diseases to understand what I go through, I'm grateful to have them in my life.  They know the fatigue I deal with because they face it themselves.  Both ladies are inspirations to me with their positive and kick-ass attitudes; they never let me down and are always there no matter how tired they are.  We usually have a few laughs along with a few tears.

Vickie and I laugh about that fact that when we call and ask how one another is, undoubtedly, "tired" will be the answer for at least one or both of us. When we say "tired," we mean, bone tired, barely have the strength to hold the phone to our ears, tired.  However, the laughter has a magical way of pumping some breath into our lungs and it spreads to the rest of our bodies.

I started this post as an explanation of how tired I am and why I haven't been around to visit much - if at all.  I apologize for that and I am hoping with all my might that my energy will return and I can begin visiting.  Right now, I get home from work, answer my email, eat dinner (which is usually cereal because I'm too tired to cook LOL), shower, then head to bed and watch TV/talk on the phone until I fall asleep.  My weekends are filled with things I don't get done during the week.   It's a vicious cycle... one that I WILL break.

Now to change the subject... 

Most of my day yesterday, I spent getting some photos ready for a competition at the Eccles Community Art Center to be submitted on Friday.  I need help in deciding which four to submit and if it's not too much trouble, could you come back tomorrow and vote for the four you like best to help me decide?  

Speaking of Eccles Community Art Center, I received a letter Saturday announcing that my English/Art teacher bought me a membership for 2008.  Carol-Ann is definitely one teacher I shall never forget; she's more than a teacher, she's my friend.  I called to thank her and we talked for over an hour catching up.  I'm going to attend the open house on February 1 when they'll announce the winners of the black and white photo contest.  I am excited to be a part of this art center and learn more about art and photography.   

Before my proper post, I want to thank everyone again for all your thoughts and prayers for little Eli.  I held her on Saturday and she's a fighter - she will be just fine.  Travis and Sara brought her home from the hospital yesterday.  I'm going to Salt Lake on Friday to go to a small photo fair and I will take dinner to Travis and Sara and see little Eli again.   There are photos of my visit on my Flickr site, if you'd like to see them.   

***********

Almost a year ago when I began the journey to follow my passions, I felt as if I was on the cusp of my life changing. I wanted to toss the old baggage that was holding me back from pursuing what I truly wanted to do. It was an exciting time and I felt a new "Karen" emerging.

Then as time passed, I was buried under all the high level classes and the homework and I felt some of that new "Karen" disappeared, perhaps I was too tired to fight. But at the same time, the new "Karen" was working hard at finishing school. The way I dealt with stress changed (somewhat) when I found that taking ten minutes and going outside to take photos made me calmer than if I were to take a xanax. When I had my camera in my hands, my senses were heightened, not numbed.

Now that my classes are behind me, I have such a burning desire to continue to learn and have new adventures. I feel as if I have been given a second chance at life and I do not plan to waste it. As I go through my transformation, I find myself at a loss for words or rather, I feel that I've written the words before.  I looked back at my English assignments and sure enough, two years ago for English class, the assignment was to write, "If I were a bird, which would I be and why."  The words I wrote ring true more today than they did then.  And so it begins...

Out of the Ashes

I am the one and only Phoenix; some say I am a myth, but I do exist. My enemies have done their best to destroy me, to throw me into a pit of fire from which, they believe, I will never return. My death is nothing more than the rebirth of the sun; I shall rise again.

As a Phoenix, I have the keenest of eyes to spot predators, and the inner vision to sense danger around me. I represent beauty of the self, and all that beauty can be. My virtue is above reproach and my spirit flies higher than the heavens. My flight is graceful and symbolizes the greatest of strengths and freedoms that human beings can possess.

My feathers are black, white, red, green, and yellow; the colors represent justice, strength, loyalty, honesty, and grace. I strive to be fair in all judgments and hold the highest regard for friends and loved ones. My loyalty is steadfast, and my honesty allows me set an example for those around me. Grace flows through my wings and spreads to the world below as I soar in the heavens above.

My core desire is to bring goodwill to all the creatures in the world and to crush any ill will that exists. With every fiber of my being, I believe good wins over evil and differences should be resolved peacefully before going to war. However, I will fight fiercely to the death with those who harm any member of my flock. Pure love for others fills me, which keeps my eternal fire burning brightly inside my soul.

I have fought many difficult battles and faced numerous challenges; yet, each time I emerge from the flames and ashes, stronger, victorious, and ready for the continued fight against the dark forces. The Phoenix rises once again.

I am starting out fresh here at my new web page, which is more than a blog. It's a place where I can express my feelings and passions and share them with others. The past year, although it was rough losing my beloved cat of 13 years, Ashley, and my dad being so ill. I have had many blessings for which I am grateful and feel as if my life is changing for the better. I will never forget those who supported me through the rough times and celebrated with me through the good.

2006 was a year of discovering my true passions; to explore and expand photography and poetry writing. I feel as if I can truly express myself through my photos and poetry, although still a novice, I strive to learn more and hone my skills. I started the K&M Photos and Poetry website with Monica and it's been enjoyable and has inspired me to write from my heart.

My dream of earning my bachelor's degree is unfolding before my eyes, with four terms left. Although I won't have my degree by the time I turn the big 4-0 next month, I will still receive it in my 40th year. I have such a feeling of accomplishment, it's incredible. Did I really say I'll be 40? It doesn't feel like I should be 40 when in my mind, I'm about 26 or 29 at the most!

Although this is a somewhat serious post, I am still the same goof ball I always was. I am going through a lot of changes, for the better, but I will still basically be me. I had experiences that taught me to focus on getting my degree and focusing on becoming the person I want to be.

I want to thank Christine M for hosting me for the past three years on her domain and server. I truly appreciate all she did for me.

This feels as if I'm finally home in many ways, and I invite you all to come along with me in my journey and share in my new passions.

Happy New Year, everyone!