The past few months, I have struggled with finding energy to do all I want.  I know a large part of my lack of energy is due to my Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and other auto-immune diseases fatigue, however, I wonder if some of it has to do with not being in school and not having the drive to get more done.  I find that as difficult as it was to adjust to go to go school that it's just as difficult not to go to school. 

Before I had the auto-immune diseases, I did not have a clue about how exhausted one could be.  Back then, being tired was fixed by a 15 minute power nap or sitting down for a bit.  Pain was something I could take an Aleve and it would go away.  Ah, those were the days. 

Since I was diagnosed with RA eight years ago, my eyes were opened to the horror that people who suffer any of the auto-immune disease, such as MS, RA, Crohns, Lupus, UC, and the list goes on.  I never imagined the pain and fatigue I was going to face and it's a good thing I did not know then.  I no longer sympathized but emphasized with others who suffer the same ailments. 

Friday morning, I went to the physical therapy pool and worked out for two hours then had a nice sit in the hot tub.  If I have not mentioned this before, the pool is my Friday morning 'ME TIME" addiction.  I wish I could go every day or better yet, had a pool of my own.  As much as I love the pool, it's a bugger getting out, which I call "reality hitting."  I feel so good in the water, virtually no pain at all; it feels as if I don't have RA. 

As I was sitting in the hot tub, a new lady entered the pool and we said hello to one another.  We talked about why each of us was there and it turns out, we were there for the same reason.  She has RA and is in a lot of pain and is amazed at how wonderful the pool makes her feel.  We exchanged info about medications and other remedies since she's only had RA for a year or so and was grateful for all I told her.  She said that she's so afraid that she's going to be in pain forever and never get relief. 

I fear the same.  However, I am fortunate that Remicade, prednisone (EVIL drug), and Imuran are working well for me.  I'm on a high dose and as of Wednesday, a notch higher, which is one notch away from maximum dose.  In 2003, I was almost in a wheel chair and the medications made it possible for me to live a decent life and for that, I'm eternally grateful.  The medications I take also treat the ulcerative colitis and have given me that part of my life back.  I fear for the future; as well as I am doing now, what if the unthinkable happens?  What if the RA spreads to my organs?  What if I get more auto-immune diseases?  I try to stay focused on here and now but those questions are always in the back of my mind. 

When I was first diagnosed, I was angry at God for yet another hurdle I had to over come and I wanted to know why I was being punished.  I was angry at the world.  I was angry.  I put myself on a pity pot and stayed there until others helped me and that I began to see that having RA was not the end of my life.  I began to say, "There is NO way was I letting my life end at 32."  I struggled for a while longer, had ups and downs, but slowly, more positive thoughts entered my mind.  I learned to allow myself a pity pot day on occasion and get the negativity out because those feelings were hurting me bottled up and setting them free allowed the positive back in.

I believe everything happens for reasons and although I may not be thrilled with the reason I have auto-immune diseases, I am thrilled that I have an incredible support network.  Two main supports are my dear friends Vickie and Dawn and although I wish they did not have the diseases to understand what I go through, I'm grateful to have them in my life.  They know the fatigue I deal with because they face it themselves.  Both ladies are inspirations to me with their positive and kick-ass attitudes; they never let me down and are always there no matter how tired they are.  We usually have a few laughs along with a few tears.

Vickie and I laugh about that fact that when we call and ask how one another is, undoubtedly, "tired" will be the answer for at least one or both of us. When we say "tired," we mean, bone tired, barely have the strength to hold the phone to our ears, tired.  However, the laughter has a magical way of pumping some breath into our lungs and it spreads to the rest of our bodies.

I started this post as an explanation of how tired I am and why I haven't been around to visit much - if at all.  I apologize for that and I am hoping with all my might that my energy will return and I can begin visiting.  Right now, I get home from work, answer my email, eat dinner (which is usually cereal because I'm too tired to cook LOL), shower, then head to bed and watch TV/talk on the phone until I fall asleep.  My weekends are filled with things I don't get done during the week.   It's a vicious cycle... one that I WILL break.

Now to change the subject... 

Most of my day yesterday, I spent getting some photos ready for a competition at the Eccles Community Art Center to be submitted on Friday.  I need help in deciding which four to submit and if it's not too much trouble, could you come back tomorrow and vote for the four you like best to help me decide?  

Speaking of Eccles Community Art Center, I received a letter Saturday announcing that my English/Art teacher bought me a membership for 2008.  Carol-Ann is definitely one teacher I shall never forget; she's more than a teacher, she's my friend.  I called to thank her and we talked for over an hour catching up.  I'm going to attend the open house on February 1 when they'll announce the winners of the black and white photo contest.  I am excited to be a part of this art center and learn more about art and photography.